Relationship Changes

“Our relationship changed, and so did our relationship with the rest of the family. The baby was the most important thing now.”

Some dads told us that they hadn’t been prepared for the changes in relationships in their life and that this contributed to a dip in their wellbeing once their baby had been born. This included intimate relationships, particularly if they were still in a relationship with the baby’s mum, but also extended to relationships with friends and family.

For dads who were still in a relationship with the baby’s other parent, many identified that before the birth of their baby, their partner was their closest support person. Most had been unprepared for the change in the relationship that a new baby inevitably brought. One dad said he felt he had ‘lost’ his support person as he did not want to burden his partner, who was dealing with the transition to motherhood.

These dads said that they would value more preparation as a couple antenatally on how the relationship may change and ways to prepare for this. This included things such as thinking through practical ways to maintain connection, resolve conflict and problem-solve together in stressful circumstances.

Family often became more important as a source of information and support, making things particularly challenging for dads who were isolated from their family. On the other hand, friends sometimes took a back seat. Sometimes this was because existing friends were at a different stage of life, potentially without children, other times it was because dads had made a conscious decision to spend more time with family and less with friends and as a result felt they lost their support network. 

“I stopped seeing friends so that I could commit to family life. I became isolated because I didn’t form a new network.”

In contrast, dads who had access to a network of peers at the same stage of life as them, with children of similar ages, greatly valued the support that this provided.

“I was lucky to have friends that were at the same stage as me, we can speak as we all have newborns.”

Dads varied in the ways in which they thought they could create these networks if they did not already have them. Some dads said they would value specific dads groups (and in cases where dads already had access to such groups they were often highly valued), but not all dads wanted this type of contact for a variety of reasons (for example social anxiety, different hobbies and interests to other dads they knew or personal preference).

It is clear then that a variety of options need to be available to dads to build support networks. Some dads wanted ‘dad activities’ that they could take their baby to and at the same time meet other dads. Others wanted alternative options for seeking support i.e. an online group or a phone line that could provide immediate support where it was needed - these dads valued things like Facebook groups for their sense of ‘network’ without a need to fully engage with others.